All of the quotes below are from Gilmore Girls, Season 1, Episode 6 (Rory's Birthday Parties) ...
Emily: "Tomorrow, our lawyer, Joseph Stanford, is coming by."
Lorelai: "Ugh. Crazy Sissy's dad."
Emily: "That's terrible. Sissy was a good friend of yours."
Lorelai: "Mom, Sissy talked to her stuffed animals, and they answered her."
Rory: "Let's just start a new topic."
Emily: "Not possible."
Lorelai: "She said a new topic, Mom."
Emily: "Everything's a joke, everyone's a punchline."
Lorelai: "Okay, I'm sorry."
Emily: "My daughter -- Henny Youngman."
Richard (coming in late): "Sorry for that. A little trouble with our China office. Well? What did I miss?"
Lorelai: "I was being impossible, and then I turned into a Jewish comedienne."
Emily: "So, Rory, your grandfather and I thought it might be nice after dinner for you to go around the hosue and pick out what you'd like us to leave you in our wills."
Richard: "Take a look at that desk in office. It's a really fine Georgian piece."
Lorelai: "Why don't I ever bring a tape recorder to these dinners?"
Rory: "Oh, well, anything you want to leave me is fine."
Emily: "Nonsense. You should have what you like. So look around, and when you see something you like, a stick a Post-it on it."
Lorelai: "Okay, you two have officially hit a new level of weird that even I marvel at."
Emily: "You can pick things out too, you know."
Lorelai: "Oh, well now it's way less creepy."
Emily: "Did you hear that Richard? Apparently, we're creepy."
Richard: "Yes, well, live and learn."
Lorelai: "I love pudding. I worship it. I have a bowl of it up on the mantel at home with the Virgin Mary, a glass of wine and a dollar bill next to it."
Lorelai (putting Post-Its on things): "So what do we think of this?"
Rory: "Where would we put it?"
Lorelai: "I don't know. The Emily and Richard Gilmore Psycho Museum."
Rory: "This is the strangest evening I've ever spent here."
Emily: "So, how's it going?"
Lorelai: "Great. Just getting ready for the big day."
Emily: "Very nice."
Lorelai: "So, um, it's getting late, Mom. Unless you've got some funeral plots for us to decorate we should really be going."
Lorelai: "So, how would you like two parties this year?"
Rory: "You couldn't get her to cave."
Lorelai: "No, but she did agree to make the string quartet learn 'Like a Virgin.'"
Rory: "Well, you tried."
Lorelai: "Sweetie, I promise, Saturday night we'll do it up right at home. A Stars Hollow extravaganza."
Rory: "So, is this party Grandma's having going to be a big deal?"
Lorelai: "Not really. The government will close that day. Flags will fly at half-mast. Barbara Streisand will give her final concert -- again."
Rory: "Uh-huh."
Lorelai: "Now, the Pope has previous plans, but he's trying to get out of them. However, Elvis and Jim Morrison are coming, and they're bringing chips."
Emily: "Please be serious. We're shopping for Rory."
Lorelai: "No, Mom, I'm shopping for Rory, you're shopping for your imaginary granddaughter, Barbara Hutton."
Rory: "I've now used the word 'sucks,' so much that it's lost all meaning to me."
Lorelai: "It's so hard to believe that at exactly this moment many moons ago, I was lying in exactly the same position --"
Rory: "Oh boy. Here we go."
Lorelai: "Only I had a huge, fat stomach and big, fat ankles, and I was swearing like a sailor--"
Rory: "On leave."
Lorelai: "On leave, right! And there I was--
Rory: "In labor."
Lorelai: "And while some have called it the most meaningful experience of your life, to me, it was something more akin to doing the splits on a crate of dynamite."
Rory: "I wonder if the Waltons ever did this?"
Lorelai: "And I was screaming and swearing, and being surrounded as I was by a hundred prominent doctors and nurses, I just assumed there was an actual use for the cup of ice chips they gave me."
Rory: "There wasn't."
Lorelai: "But pelting the nurses sure was fun."
Rory: "I now officially know what it feels like to have grown up here."
Lorelai: "It's not official until you're huddled in a corner, eating your hair."
Lorelai: "All right, everybody, I need your attention, your attention please. This is a very serious moment. Two priests, a rabbi and a duck--"
Rory: "Mom."
Lorelai: "All right, I'm kidding. Um, I would like to propose a toast to the one thing in my life that is always good, always sweet, and without whom I would have no reason to get up in the morning. My pal Rory. Cheers."
Lorelai: "Mom, Dad, can I get you a drink?"
Emily: "No, thank you."
Lorelai: "Oh no, Mom, you're gonna need one. And I have wine glasses that say Holiday Inn on them."
All of the quotes below are from Gilmore Girls, Season 1, Episode 7 (Kiss and Tell) ...
Lorelai: "I'm crushed, I'm bleeding; get me a tourniquet. Oh no, they're dirty because Rory wouldn't wash them with her stuff."
Lane: "He kissed you in the market?"
Rory: "On aisle three."
Lane: "By the ant spray?"
Rory: "Yes."
Lane: "Oh, that's a good aisle."
Rory: "What defines a good aisle?"
Lane: "An aisle where you get kissed by the new kid is a good aisle."
Lane: "You can't leave? It's sing your favorite hymn night at the Kim house. Make a run for it."
Rory: "I've been telling you this story for an hour. It doesn't get dirty."
Lane: "I can't help it. I'm obsessed. I'm totally living vicariously through you."
Rory: "Why? You got kissed last weekend. Remember? You told me. That guy your parents set you up with. The one with the Lincoln Continental. What's his name? Patrick Cho!"
Lane: "Okay, let's do a little compare and contrast here. You get kissed on the mouth by a cute, cool, sexy guy that you really like. And I get kissed on the forehead by a theology major in a Members-Only jacket who truly believes that rock music leads to hard drugs."
Luke: "I'm not gonna say you look concerned."
Lorelai: "I'm not gonna talk you how good you'd look dressed like one of the guys from 'The Crucible.'"
Luke: "Fair enough."
Luke: "So you passed the need for an actual person to talk to several minutes ago."
Lorelai: "Oh yea. Before the gelato stand."
Rory: "There will be no interrogation."
Lorelai: "I swear."
Rory: "No kissing noises, no stories from my childhood. No referring to Chicago as 'Chitown.' No James dean jokes. No father with a shotgun stares. No Nancy Walker impressions."
Lorelai: "So chill out, Supermarket Slut."
Rory: "See, even a little information in your hands is dangerous."
Lorelai (to Dean): "When Rory was little, she found out that one was called a Weeping Willow, so she spent hours trying to cheer it up. You know, like telling it jokes and--(Rory shakes her head at her) No, I'm sorry, that was me."
Rory: "That's my mom."
Dean: "She's got energy."
Rory: "Yea, well, she's 90% water and 10% caffeine."
Rory: "My mom has a thing for the Oompa-Loompas."
Lorelai: "I don't think finding them amusing constitutes a thing."
Rory: "No, but having a recurring dream about marrying one does."
Lorelai: "I'm afraid once your heart is involved, it all comes out in Moron."
